Divorce is one of the most difficult and stressful experiences a person may endure.
Navigating the next phase of life can be terrifying, challenging, and overwhelming but there are
strategies that can help the newly single individual to cope with the loss of the marriage and the
transition to life as a single person. After time, it is possible to view divorce as an opportunity
for growth, empowerment, and a new beginning.
Healing Doesn't Happen Overnight
It is so important to remember that the old cliché is right, grieving takes time. Rushing the healing process is
merely suppressing the painful feelings that only return later, further compounding the crisis. It is natural to
want to avoid feeling the pain of the divorce and thus long for an end to the grieving as soon as possible.
It is essential to keep in mind that your relationship, and all its issues, took years to build and expecting to
feel better and have perspective in just a few weeks is unlikely. Allow yourself time to process all the emotions,
both positive and negative, so that when you do move on, you are doing so without holding on to the pain, resentment,
confusion, or anger that is often experienced during and after a divorce.
Seek Support from Others
While it is natural to want some time alone, this is the time to reach out to friends and family and to allow them
to help you grieve. Friends and family often find themselves at a loss for words and may refrain from reaching out
until you actively seek their support. Let your loved ones know how they can best support you during this time whether
it be just by listening or by accompanying you to dinner. Seeking support and guidance from a psychologist or other
mental health professional can also help you mourn the loss of the relationship and ideally provide you with some
understanding as to how you and your partner arrived at the place you are today. Not only can therapy provide you
with some relief, but it can prevent you from repeating maladaptive patterns in future relationships. Therapy is a
place where you can privately share your thoughts, feelings, concerns, and fears about both the end of the relationship
and the beginning of the next phase of your life. Therapy can help you gain insight about your relationships as well
as acceptance that the relationship is over.
Rediscover Who You Are
All too often in relationships, people tend to lose sight of who they are as individuals. Our life's focus becomes
the marriage, the kids, and the home rarely leaving any time for personal interests or activities. Frequently, we
work hard to meet the needs of our partner and family at the expense of our own needs. As a result, when the marriage
ends, it is easy to suffer a loss of your sense of self, or feel a disconnect from the individual you were when you
first married. This identity crisis can be frightening but can also be a time to embrace the unknown and to explore
and define what the course of your life will be from here on. This is the time to explore new hobbies and interests
as well as meet new people. This also can be the time to reestablish the relationships you may have given up during
the course of your marriage.
Letting Go
Letting go of the past can be the hardest and most frightening step. Often the feelings of anger, betrayal, and
loneliness are experienced so intensely that it feels impossible to move on. It is natural for some to long for
vindication or revenge, especially if you are the hurt partner or the partner who did not initiate the divorce.
Waiting around for this to occur will only end up hurting you as this prevents you from moving on and starting the
next phase of your life. Instead of focusing on your former partner, it is time to put the focus on you, on how you
are feeling, on what you can do to cope with these feelings, and how you can benefit from moving forward. Keep in mind
that you cannot change anything about the past or change your former partner's actions. What you can change is your
perspective of the past which will help to alter the course of your future relationships and hopefully help you achieve
healthier, enduring, and more fulfilling relationships.
Some of the earliest indications that it is time to move forward will come from your friends and family who may either
start to withdraw from their relationship with you or may express a desire to hear less about the various aspects of
your relationship. If there are children involved, they may be the first ones to let you know that you may need to
move on, whether they verbalized these feelings or act them out behaviorally. The best thing that you can do for your
children, and for yourself, is to find meaning in the end of the relationship and find healthy ways of coping with
transient feelings of pain, loss, and loneliness.
What's Next?
Once the anger is gone, perspective is achieved, and you've learned healthy ways to cope, the next phase of your
life can be exciting. Dating, new hobbies, and new relationships are just some of the things you can look forward to.
Remember that moving on does not negate all the great memories that were created during this time or take away from
the fact that you may have been hurt. It merely allows you to heal, grow, and establish a happy and healthy lifestyle
that eventually will lead to more fulfilling and rewarding relationships. Once you give yourself permission to grieve,
heal, and reestablish your sense of self, the next phase of your life can be a new beginning to healthier, happier,
and more satisfying relationships.
