Nasty accusations, bold character assassinations, hurtful threats, name-calling, and cursing, whether delivered at top volume or with a quiet sarcastic sneer, damage a relationship, often irrevocably. Nobody needs to be a monster or to be treated monstrously. Nobody who yells will ever be heard. In the heat of a moment, it is always a choice whether to take the high road or drag your partner down the dark road. Yes it’s a CHOICE!

On the other hand, lets face it, no two people in the world, no matter how made for each other they feel, will ever agree on everything at all times (It would be quite boring if they did, don’t ya think?). Couples need to be able to negotiate their differences openly and safely. They need to have room for constructive criticism, feelings of hurt and anger or disappointment. They need a healthy way to openly express their opinions and to disagree safely. And they need to have a way to express intense feelings (that the other person may not understand or support) without feeling that they will be judged or punished for doing so.

A healthy relationship requires knowing the skills (and using the skills) necessary for "Healthy Fighting". This means working through conflicts respectfully and working together to find a workable solution. A healthy solution that creates progress and forward movement in the relationship. Healthy fighting means working out differences that are important to both. It means having the freedom and comfort to engage passionately about things we feel passionate about, without resorting to hurting one another. It allows us to blow off steam without getting burned. Healthy fighting allows the ability to "fight" and remain good friends during the process.

It is certainly obvious that people who are in mature, healthy relationships instinctively understand and grasp the concept of healthy fighting. Some people have been lucky enough to have been shown what a healthy fight looks like. They might have grown up in families where their parents modeled how to disagree without being nasty or rude. However, there are many people who have been taught or witnessed unhealthy ways to fight and have no others models for a better way to approach their relational conflict. Most couples, though, learn the way to healthy fighting by practicing it together. They learn the value and skills of supporting each other even when they are upset and staying in close relationship even when fights frustrate and upset them. These mature couples seem to have a common ritual where they create a verbal or non-verbal pact for how they will fight or manage their conflict.

Below are some tools that will guarantee to strengthen your relationship instead of harm it when you are fighting.

Ten rules for healthy fighting

1. Accept the conflict openly. Even though most of us were brought up to believe that fighting is a "bad thing" in actuality it really is not. As a matter of fact fighting can be extremely healthy. There is no need to fear fighting. Conflict is normal and even healthy. Differences between you mean that there are things you can actually learn from each other. Often conflict shows us where we can or need to grow. If you avoid fighting or conflict you automatically lose an opportunity for growth together.

2. Go after the main issue, not each other. Healthy fighting focuses on and addresses the issue at hand. Neither person should ever resort to name calling or character assassination. It’s hard enough to deal with the current issue without adding into the mix an entirely new problem of hurting each other’s feelings. Stay in your own shoes so to speak. This means worry about your point and getting it across and let your partner worry and express their own.

3. Listen and HEAR respectfully. When people feel strongly about something, it’s only fair to both listen and hear them out. Respectful listening means acknowledging their feelings, either verbally or through full attention. It means never telling someone that he or she "shouldn’t" feel that way. It means saving your point of view until after you’ve let the other person know you understand that they feel intensely about the subject, even if you don’t quite get it. Thinking about how you are going to respond is not fully listening. If you need time to think about your response after your partner speaks than request a moment to think before you speak.

4. Speak softly with non threatening tone. The louder someone speaks or screams, the less likely they are to be heard. Even if your partner screams, there’s no need to scream back. Taking the volume down makes it possible for people to start focusing on the issues at hand instead of reacting to the increased intensity. Additionally, speaking softly when someone is screaming often diffuses them or allows them to take it down a notch as well.

5. Be curious, not defensive. Defending yourself, whether by vehemently protesting your innocence or rightness or by turning the tables and attacking, escalates the fight. Instead of upping the ante, ask for more information, details, and examples. There is usually some basis for the other person’s complaint. When you meet a complaint with curiosity, you make room for understanding.

6. Ask for specifics. Global statements that include the words "always" and "never" almost always get you nowhere and rarely are true. Exaggerating to make a point fuels resentment instead of helping create resolution. When your partner has complaints, ask to move from global comments of exasperation to specific examples so you can understand exactly what he or she is talking about. When you have complaints, do your best to give your partner examples to work with.

7. Find points of agreement. There almost always are parts of a conflict that can be points of agreement. Finding common ground, even if it’s agreeing that there is a problem, is an important start to finding a common solution.

8. Look for multiple options. Fighting ends when cooperation begins. Asking politely for suggestions or alternatives invites collaboration. Careful consideration of options shows respect. Offering alternatives of your own shows that you also are willing to try something new.

9. Compromise. Compromises along the way can turn the entire situation around. If you give a little, it makes room for the other person to make concessions too. Small compromises lead to larger compromises. Compromise doesn’t have to mean that you’re meeting each other exactly 50-50. Sometimes it’s a 60-40 or even an 80-20 agreement. This isn’t about scorekeeping. It’s about finding a solution that is workable for both of you.

10. Agree on the "goal" or desired outcome of the fight first. Even if you have a different idea of what you would like the outcome of the fight to be, there should be a clear understanding of the desired end result. For example… "At the end of this fight I would like to feel heard, understood and come up with a new solution for who will clean up after the puppy". So… try this; "At the end of this fight I am hoping we ________________________."

Practicing these tips will help. Don't expect to get it right the first time or even the first few times. Just take the time to learn with each other.